why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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