Apparently you make a good broom.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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