Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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