I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
