Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
