Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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