my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
