We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
