haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
