when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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