Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
