O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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