My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
