Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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