I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
