I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
