If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
a search helicopter?!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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