Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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