Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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