Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
