OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
