An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
