there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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