I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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