I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize