I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
