Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
