I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
