I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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