WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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