OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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