Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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