I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
