I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
