Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
