Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize