My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think a kid would responsible me up
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
