My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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