captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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