How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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