zippers are such a cool invention
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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