As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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