the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize