dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
