Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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