My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
