Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
