I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
