3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize