Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
