I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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