I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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