Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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