She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
