why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
