I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize