just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
