Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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